if i wrote a note to God, i would say what's in my soul
Tuesday, May 24
needless to say, i'm slightly disappointed... but there definitely are worse ways to look at it, so i'm trying hard to keep myself from receeding to that. and so far i've been successful at least, by keeping my mind focused on You.
but what i feel more than anything is confusion. for the past few years over and over, the achievements that i've strived for, and actually meant something to me, all ended up out of reach.
just to mention a few, i almost topped the level in math in year2, but because of 1 mark in the finals, or 0.2% overall, i missed out. it sounds simple, but the last time i got an academic award was in primary 1, and it'll just be a really nice unexpected surprise if i got anything like that. then there was drama too when we put in so much effort into our production for syf, and eventually only came back with a bronze despite expectations of at least a silver.
no, i'm pretty sure i haven't reached the state where i find security in achievements and things of the world. but i'm just saying you know, sometimes, or even just for once, i'd really love to get an achievement i like... is that so much to ask for? i remember that time at david's house, pastor(?) rusty said he saw a picture of me waiting in line excitedly for something, but each time i got to the counter, there wasn't anything left, and i was left disappointed. but he said that would change... mmm. but how long do i have to wait?
i don't mean to belittle everything else You've helped me to achieve and have been blessed with, but well, sometimes it'd just really be nice to have something to my name that really means something special to me... as far as i can recall, in these situations, i wasn't relying on my own strength, nor was i arrogant and overconfident of being able to achieve it... am i doing something wrong? God, please tell me if i am, 'cause i'm really at a loss. and it's hard to go through all these, though i've definitely found greater comfort and solace in You each time. so thank You very much for that. i guess that's also why i was able to tell everyone that i was fine today. and i meant it when i said that each time too. thank You for being there.
confusion and uncertainty... are things i still detest. haha, You know me. but yet, i've grown to become familiar with it (irony!), and in these times, just continue to trust in You. thank You for grooming me to grow more accustomed to these stuff over the course of the year, that even now i can stand up with You amidst it all, and not let myself be overwhelmed with everything.
thank You, for keeping Your promises deeply ingrained in my heart, that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). i trust completely in Your sovereign plan... and that You indeed know what You're doing. it's my choice to trust in You, it's the smartest and most logical choice to trust in You, and i guess it's also the only choice i have. not that i'm complaining of course, how can i complain about having the best choice available? (:
thank You for the comfort You provided me with today, for providing me such an encouraging verse on the first flip of my Bible. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13) indeed as Your Word says, fill me with all joy and peace.
i don't know what is planned for me. not a clue. but i'll sing anyway. singing is good. singing is fun (: thanks for blessing me with a voice to sing.
it's rare that i post about this kinda stuff, but this time i just want to make a mark of it. hopefully when i look back on it all, things will finally make sense. i have faith, that somewhere down the road, i will be able to look upon these exact thoughts with much clarity. like that moment of revelation when everything falls well into place. i hope that'll be the case.
and i guess, when victory eventually does come, it'll be all the sweeter? haha, maybe. hope so (:
thank You, Daddy God. for listening to the cry of your humble child.
with Love,
clemmie.
AMEN;
11:47 pm
